The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
