He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So much rum. So many feels.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
God, I missed his penis.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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