my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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