Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
