she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
