I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
