WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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