We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
