Your dad touched me again.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
