He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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