dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
