I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Go christen that room with your naked body.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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