she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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