I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
