Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
