We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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