Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
