I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
