what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
