For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
