Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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