I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He passed out mid-signature
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
