Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
