people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
