I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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