there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
