worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
