then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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