At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
