low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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