She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
