This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
