What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
