I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
