I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
