That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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