im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
