TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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