I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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