If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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