Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize