what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
