I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
