finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I can't turn off my feet"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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