Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
