I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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