She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
