woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
