i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
