i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
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