seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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