so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
