defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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