He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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