you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life