you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store