I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
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you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
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But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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