New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
