My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
