I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
