I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
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